Dry Her Eyes
by Loki Palmer
Summary: Harry has had enough of Ron Weasley and the way he makes Hermione cry, and so he does something about it. Not for fans of Ron Weasley, of course. HP/HG
1. Chapter 1

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I would like to thank DZ2 for allowing me to adopt his idea by this name. With that in mind, I decided to do the first chapter in my own style. This is dedicated to him and to all my fans – I love you all!**

 **Chapter 1**

Harry came back inside the castle from his walk. His head was clearer, but it was not to remain so for long …

"I think he has a lot more than friendship on his mind," he heard Ron say.

 _Oh, please,_ he thought. _They have to be arguing about bloody Viktor Krum?_

"And you don't think I can take care of myself?"

 _Don't answer that, Ron … please don't answer that …_

"That's not the bloody point …"

 _What was the bloody point, then, Troll-Brain?_ _Oy, my head … and she's crying … urge to hurt somebody … rising … rising …_

"Ronald Bilius Weasley … unless you want me to humiliate you in public, I suggest you come with me now," he said in a quiet voice that held the threat of an oncoming storm.

"This isn't any of your business, Potter, so why don't you butt –"

SMACK! "WRONG ANSWER! For the record, this petty jealousy of yours is giving me a headache, so why shouldn't this be my business? SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND, YOU BLOODY JAGOFF! One more word, and I will hit you again!"

"I'm telling Mother!"

SMACK! "Go ahead … tell Mummy dearest how your pettiness has run away any females within a ten mile radius, how you have ruined Hermione's night, how you have given me a bloody headache … if my anger grows any more, you will not live to see the next morning, can you get that through that shriveled walnut you call a brain?!"

"How dare you insult and threaten me!"

SMACK! "Do you think I enjoy hitting you? Now that I think about it, I enjoy hitting you so much, I'm going to hit you again!" SMACK! "Get out of my sight, Weasel … or I will beat your ass to death and owl your head home to your Banshee Bitch of a Mother in a box! I will give you a countdown of ten. TEN …"

Ron paled. "You can't …"

"Countdown's ticking, Weasel … NINE …"

Sensing Harry's sincerity, Ron bolted out of the Great Hall as fast as his legs would take him.

Harry looked at Hermione. "Are you okay?"

"What about you, Harry? Your explosion of anger sent you into a merry slap fest, and you're asking if I'm okay?"

"I asked you first, and I'm feeling better than I have in ages."

"Well … at least I'm not crying anymore …"

He reached his hand out to dry her eyes. "Don't waste any tears on that jagoff. He's not worth it."

"I thought you or Ron would have asked me to the Yule Ball. It disappointed me that by the time either one of you thought to ask me, it was too late … and Ron's obvious jealousy was too much."

"At least, we can be grateful that Viktor has been a gentleman to you all this time … isn't that right, Viktor?"

Viktor nodded. "Da, Harry. I would not dream of harming someone so close to you, since I have come to respect you since your face-off with that mother dragon in the First Task." He saw Harry's eyebrows rise. "I vill add that vitnessing your temper gives me an additional reason not to anger you."

"I would agree with that sentiment, Viktor," said Cedric. "Harry has faced a Dark Lord, a Mountain Troll, a Basilisk, and a host of Dementors, plus the dragon – and he's lived to tell the tale. If anything comes after Hermione though …" he shivered at the thought, "he will do whatever he feels necessary, and may Heaven have mercy on whatever stands in his way, because he won't."

"Tout ce temps," said Fleur, "j'ai pensé que ces histoires étaient de légendes. Harry, je suis désolée pour ma faute. Tu n'es plus un petit garçon après tout, n'est-ce pas? Non, tu es un homme … et Hermione est chanceuse de t'avoir." (All this time, I thought that those stories were legends. Harry, I am sorry for my mistake. You are no longer a little boy after all, right? No, you are a man, and Hermione is lucky to have you.)

"Merci," (Thank you) said Harry.

Hermione looked at him in shock. "Harry, when did you learn to speak French?"

"Well, Hermione, when you have relatives that are scared to death of you, you find a lot of time for extra-curricular studies. That, and –" he leaned by her ear, "– my Southern region speaks to me a lot in that language, if you catch my drift."

She blushed.

"Hermione, may I have this dance?"

A guitar sounded in the Great Hall. "Esta noche bailamos … te doy toda mi vida … quédate conmigo …" (Tonight we dance … I give you all my life … stay with me …)

The both of them danced to the song "Bailamos" by Enrique Iglesias. Everyone else watched in wonder at their two bodies spinning around the dance floor, giving off an aura of passion and fitting together like Heaven had made each for the other.

When the song finished, they received a standing ovation with catcalls and whistles.

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

Harry cleared his throat, and sang: [tune: "Everybody Hates Ned Flanders" by Homer Simpson; episode: "Dude, Where's My Ranch?"]

"Everybody in Hogwarts, UK, hates this ginger jagoff,  
Ron Weasley, who is Happiness's Bane!  
Weasley tried to wreck our night,  
His head is screwed on way too tight –  
He's such a jerk, and Troll Brain is his name!

The Hogwarts students sang:

"W-E-A-S-L-E-Y!"

Harry sang:

"He makes Hermione want to cry;  
I wish this Troll Brained bastard would just die!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"W-E-A –"

Harry said:

"HE'S A BIG PRICK!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"S-L-Y –"

Harry sang:

"I would like to kick  
His arse into the deepest of ravines!"

Professor Snape sang:

"I think he was spoiled by his Mother,  
In one ear and out the other,  
In spite of having smart brothers,  
He's the laziest – of all students – that we've seen!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"W-E-A –"

Draco Malfoy said:

"RON WEASEL-BEE!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"S-L-Y –"

Harry sang:

"Jealous of me?  
I can't believe his great stupidity!"

Professor Snape sang:

"Hogwarts shakes with Potter's thund'rous hatred,  
And it wants – to see Troll Brain Weasley go,  
Everyone's up out of their seat –  
To hate Troll Brain to the thund'rous beat –"

Harry joined him, singing:

"He's the stupidest of all the people we know!"

Harry, Neville, Dean and Seamus sang:

"If you despise arse-headed No Brains, then I doubt you'll like the Troll Brain,  
Or his Brown Nosed Brother, Percy the Great Prat!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"W-E-A –"

Hermione said:

"THE JAGOFF JERK!"

The Hogwarts students sang:

"S-LY –"

Professor McGonagall said:

"HE SLAGS OFF WORK!"

Everyone finished the song:

"He's Troll Brain Weasley, Whiniest of Brats!"

"HARRY POTTER! On my honor as a Weasley, you have gone too far this time!" said a red-faced Percy Weasley. He drew his wand, but much to his shock, he saw every other wand pointed at him.

Harry had not drawn his wand, however; instead, he moseyed over to the punch bowl and drew himself some punch in a glass.

"Oh, Percy, I forgot that you were here! Well, I don't doubt the Weasley Family had honor once upon a time, and it may be that it has some at the present time; on the other hand, as for the honor you and your Troll Brained brother have –"

"I WILL NOT STAND TO HAVE SOME HALF-BLOOD, SON OF A MUDBLOOD UPSTART QUESTION MY HONOR!"

The occupants in the Great Hall drew their collective breath, fearful that Percy had called down the thunderstorm – nobody used that M-word in Harry's presence without expecting severe retribution. Much to their shock, Harry chuckled at the insult, moseyed over to Percy with his glass, and said:

"Why, Percy … I'm not questioning your honor … I'm denying its existence … and you will stand there and listen until I say otherwise. I have to admit, listening to you talk is thirsty work. If I have to listen to any more words come out of your annoying little mouth, I'm afraid I may drink the rest of the punch that we have here in the Great Hall." He drank the punch. "Aaaah … that's good punch ..." He then broke the glass in Percy's face, and the arrogant prat fell with a scream. Not satisfied with that level of pain, Harry started to kick him.

"WHERE'S MY MONEY, PERCY?! ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME MY MONEY, YOU GREEDY, BROWN-NOSING PRAT?! ARE YOU GETTING RICH OFF MY VAULT, PERCY?! WHERE'S MY BLOODY MONEY?! ARE YOU SO ARROGANT TO THINK THAT YOUR FAMILY COULD STEAL FROM MY VAULT WITHOUT ME FINDING OUT ABOUT IT?!"

"Why … should I … tell … you … anything?"

"Well, you should tell me because I want some answers, Percy. That's a fine robe you're wearing … did you buy it with my money? Maybe I should rip it off you …"

He did so, but he didn't stop with the robe; he stripped Percy down to his underwear. "As for your Mudblood comment …" he stamped on Percy's nose with a CRACK!

"THAT'S FOR MY MOTHER! AND THIS –" he stamped on Percy's groin, prompting another scream of pain, "– IS FOR HERMIONE!"

Percy coughed and wheezed as he felt the pain consume his body. "I'm … telling … Mother …"

Harry grinned at him like he didn't care. "You sound like Ron's broken record, you realize that? Well, guess what? I want you to tell her … moreover, I would like you to send a message to her for me …"

"What … message?"

Harry flipped him into a prone position. "Don't worry, Percy … I promise you this will hurt a lot!" He pointed his wand and burned a few words onto Percy's back, (said prat screaming all the while), then he cooled them so they solidified. "Run home, little prat … if you can!"

Percy struggled to his feet. "I … won't … forget … this …"

Harry's glare chilled him. "I hope you won't. Get out of my sight."

As Percy stumbled out of the Great Hall, Harry looked at everyone else. "Well?"

"You know you are scary, right, Potter?" said Draco.

Harry smirked back at him and raised an eyebrow. "Now you know, Malfoy. Be grateful that I didn't hurt you back in our second year."

Draco gulped, prompting a sharklike smile from Harry. He didn't need to tell the other Slytherins, but the message was clear, even to the Pureblood bigots who were pissing themselves: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were off limits. Anyone who dared mess with them was signing his own death warrant.

As the couple left the Great Hall, Professor Flitwick said, "Messieurs Weasley, I believe I have a bet to collect."

Fred and George brought out their little black book. "What do you know, George? Professor Flitwick has won the bet."

"Was there any doubt in our minds that they would become a couple one day?"

"Not at all, dear brother of mine; the sole question was WHEN they would become a couple."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"Harry, I'm curious," said Hermione as she and Harry were coming into the Gryffindor common room later in the night. "Did you have to be so violent to Ron and Percy?"

"Do you want an apology from me to them, Hermione? I'm not giving them one; they deserved my anger. Ron was making you cry and Percy was threatening me. I am nobody's doormat, you understand? I'm tired of having to tolerate others who are my intellectual inferiors; they don't understand me, not like you do. In intelligence, they are a mere three years old, while we are the grown-ups. And, like grown-ups, guess what we can do?"

"Hmmm … I should know this one … shag?"

Harry snorted. "That was not the answer I was looking for … but I like the way you think."

She frowned. "What's wrong, Harry? Don't you find me attractive? I know I'm an unattractive bookworm …"

Harry's eyes flashed at her and he growled. "Hermione Jean Granger, don't you EVER call yourself unattractive again, do you understand? In intellectual capacity and looks, you shine like a goddess among the rest of this school, and any male here would be lucky to have you as his girlfriend. With that being said, will you –"

"YES!" She leaped on him and kissed him. After separating, she said to him, "I'm sorry – you were saying?"

"The question was, will you be my girlfriend?"

"Again, yes. Together, we can rule this pack of intellectual toddlers, I'm sure."

Harry grinned. "That was the answer I was looking for."

"Your power and my brains – imagine all the possibilities!"

There was a madman's chuckle in the air, and a chilling breeze blew through the Tower. Out of the breeze came a tall, pale-faced man with black hair. He grinned at the couple.

"Oh, Harry … I like this one … a perfect match to your mischievous ways … am I right, or am I right?"

Harry tilted his head sideways; something about this stranger seemed familiar. "If I may be so curious, who are you, sir?"

"Are you wondering how I seem so familiar, Harry? Can't figure it out? Well, I am Loki Odinson of Asgard … and I am your Father …"

The shock of the revelation overwhelmed Harry, and he fainted into Hermione's arms.

The Trickster grinned. "Huh. He seems to have taken it well. Why don't you come with us, Hermione? We will have much to discuss. Hold onto Harry and take my hand."

They disappeared and re-appeared in the Forbidden Forest. "Keep holding onto us, Hermione. Heimdall? You can open the Bifrost now!"

The three disappeared in a rainbow light …

 **Author's Note: Well, that was a fun starting chapter. Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**

 **P.S.,**

 **This time, it's Loki Odinson/Laufeyson (as played by Tom Hiddleston) who is Harry's Father. This looks like fun, doesn't it?**


	2. Chapter 2

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Loki et al belong to Norse mythology and, I guess to Marvel Comics. But the Norse worshipped them first ;) ;)**

 **DZ2: I knew you would enjoy it, but my greatest work to date? Please … you're giving me a swelled head! [grin] And Pettigrew doesn't owe Harry any money … he owes him his life!**

 **The 94th River II: Why is Loki taking them to Asgard? Read on …**

 **Kalladin1989: When you have a number of stories that you are juggling, and focus on one at a time – as I do – some tend to get a bit … lost … in the shuffle. LOL. Should I post up a poll on which one to continue at my earliest opportunity?**

 **DragonTamer01: Awesome song, and your recommendation has got me to see at least one of those videos … don't know if I'll do the songfic like you request, however, something of that song has possibilities for "Aleph of Vampires" …**

 **Serenity de la Luna: Too OOC? [quizzical look] This is fanfiction – I could care less about OOC …**

 **Chapter 2**

As the rainbow light faded, Hermione saw before her a tall, black being with eyes of gold standing in the center of a domed chamber.

"Welcome to Asgard, Hermione Granger. I see thou hast found him, Loki?"

"He'll be fine, Heimdall."

The Guardian of the Bifrost grinned. "It's not the first time this has happened to a child of the gods."

Loki grinned back. "Indeed not. Come, Hermione, and we shall find thee and thy boyfriend a place to rest."

 _Why is he being so formal with the "thou"?_ she thought. _Oh, right – they must be speaking Old Norse, and somehow, they must be translating it into English so I may understand them, or my brain is doing so. And thou, as a pronoun, is second person singular, regardless of social status, so he isn't being formal with me, it's just the way they talk, and – OH. MY. GODS!_

Her eyes widened upon seeing the golden glory of Asgard, realm of the mighty Æsir; it brought to her mind an excerpt from a sung speech by Lohengrin in Richard Wagner's opera of that name [Act III, Scene III]:

"In fernem Land, unnahbar eueren Schritten,  
Liegt eine Burg, die Montsalvat gennant;  
Ein lichte Tempfel stehet dort in mitten,  
So kostbar als auf Erden nichts bekannt …"

(In a faraway land, inaccessible to your steps,  
Lies a castle named Montsalvat;  
A bright temple there stands in the middle,  
So precious as nothing of its like is known on Earth …)

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

 _Mmmmm_ , thought Harry. _This is a comfortable pillow I'm lying on …_ He opened his eyes to see that he was face to face with Hermione's torso covered in a nightgown.

"Are you awake, Harry? How did you sleep?"

He smiled. "I had no nightmares for once, and I was sleeping on this soft pillow …"

She grinned at him. "Harry, that soft pillow … your head was on my boobs."

Harry shook the cobwebs out of his head. "Say again?"

She giggled. "My boobs, Harry … you know, breasts, teats, tits, fun bags, dirty pillows, milk duds …"

 _Mmmmm … milk duds …_

"Where was I all this time? I had a chance for some boob play and I missed it?"

"Thy snoring was so loud, thou risked waking all Nine Realms from their slumber," said Loki.

"Even Jotunheim heard thy snoring, and it feared it was under attack," said a grinning blond man whose mighty hammer identified him as none other than –

"Uncle Thor? How long have you and Father been sitting here?"

Thor shrugged. "We've been here all night, since thy arrival here. I imagine it was a sweet sleep for thee, Harry, lying next to a fair maiden like Hermione. Come now – the Allfather wants to meet ye."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

Entering the throne room of Asgard, Harry's eyes widened as he beheld its gilded glory, and then he saw Odin Allfather, a solemn, bearded man with one eye – the other one had a golden eye patch. The Allfather smiled at them as He saw Harry give Him a bow and Hermione give Him a curtsy.

"Well met, Harald Lokison Potter and Hermione Jean Granger. It is not customary for mortals to be in the Realm of Asgard, but I welcome ye all the same."

"Thy words are most kind, Allfather," said Harry. His stomach, much to his embarrassment, rumbled.

The Allfather chuckled. "The time has come for ye to break your fast. Come eat with Us."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

When all had broken their fast, the Allfather looked at Harry. "Hast thou any questions, Harald?"

"This may seem like a stupid question, Allfather, but people have known me as Harry. Why callest Thou me Harald?"

"First of all, think not of any question as stupid. Second, Harald is the closest that the Old Norse tongue comes to thy name. Thou hast the mischievous nature of thy Father, Loki, and the stormy temper of thy Mother …"

"Hold on a minute, Allfather. Thou mentioned the words 'stormy temper.' "

"I did."

"Within all the Nine Realms, there is one that I can think of that has a stormy temper, and he's the most masculine god in all of Asgard – Uncle Thor, if I'm not mistaken."

"Aye," said Thor. "Go on."

"Given that the idea of Thor being faygeles – attracted to men – is as unlikely as Voldemort wearing a pink ballet tutu that says I LOVE MUGGLES in bright lights, and you need a male and a female to produce a baby …" Realization dawned in his eyes. "No way!"

Loki grinned at Hermione's giggle. "That is a wonderful sound to hear, but yes, Harry. Father had banished Thor to punish him for a fight he picked with King Laufey of Jotunheim."

 **~FLASHBACK~**

"Yes, Thor … I was a fool … to think thou wert ready for the Throne of Asgard! I take from thee thy hammer, thy power … thou art unworthy of it! I, Odin Allfather, cast thee out!"

As Thor disappeared from the Bifrost chamber, Odin held the hammer by His lips. "Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor!" He then cast it out after its owner.

 **~END FLASHBACK~**

"Thor lost more than his mighty hammer that day ..."

"You mean ..." said Harry, "... he lost ..." At Loki's nod and Thor's heavy blush, he and Hermione roared with laughter …

 **~FLASHBACK~**

"Heimdall? Father?"

 _Something is wrong_. _My voice is sounding at a higher pitch … and these lumps on my chest … what in the Nine Realms happened to me?!_

He saw a lake nearby, and walked over to see the reflection of long red hair. _My eyes have lost their lightning-blue color … they're green now_. Feeling nothing masculine down by the crotch area confirmed the horror …

 _By the Nine Realms … I'M A MAIDEN!_

 **~END FLASHBACK~**

"After a number of years of living as a female, I have a lot of sympathy for them," said Thor. "Menstruation and the pain of childbirth are nothing to laugh at – not that I ever did, of course."

"Menstruation?" said Harry.

"Hermione," said Loki, "wouldst thou care to help explain?"

"Sure, Loki," she said. "You see, Harry, with the start of puberty comes the start of the menstrual cycle – a cycle that the female reproductive system goes through to prepare for a baby. It starts off with one of the ovaries – off to the side of the womb, or uterus – releasing an egg. The uterus will produce extra lining, in case the male's sperm will fertilize the egg. At a certain point along the way, if the egg is not fertilized, then it will go out of the body with the extra lining, and this is menstruation."

"Cramps, bleeding … imagine all that, plus the pain of someone smashing in thy crotch for about four or five days ..." Thor saw Harry's wince. "Yeah, like that … it is a feeling most unpleasant."

"What makes it more unpleasant," said Hermione, "is that while it is once a month, there is no guarantee that it is at the same time each month. It is unpleasant, as Thor said, but it is part of the price to pay for humanity."

"This is a lot to process," said Harry.

"I'm sure a brilliant maiden like Hermione can teach thee a lot, young Harald," said Thor. "If it helps thee any, thou canst call me thy Uncle, for that mortal form Father gave me is gone now. If thou hast any more doubt about me being one of thy parents, thou canst try to lift my hammer."

Harry did so, and Thor smiled. "Well done."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

Percy stumbled into the Burrow and fell on his face with exhaustion.

"Percy?" said Molly Weasley. Her eyes widened upon seeing the bloody words on his back:

 **SAY YOUR PRAYERS!**

 **Author's Note: Another fun (yet weird chapter) wrote. If the monologue before Thor's banishment looks familiar, I owe it to the awesome Marvel film Thor. The place and the manner of banishment is different, but there you go. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


	3. Chapter 3

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers belong to Stan Lee and Marvel.**

 **On a suggestion from an old friend – DZ2 – I decided to turn this into a crossover between Harry Potter and the Avengers. I hope for hilarious results …**

 **Kalladin1989: I'm sure I'll get that poll up, as soon as I determine which of my "older" stories to put on it.**

 **Zejakay: Is it bad that you read Odin, Thor, and Loki in their actor's voices? Not at all … that's the way I tend to read them (or imagine them).**

 **The 94th River II: Yes, Loki had disguised himself as James Potter. No, he was not banished to Earth like Thor was. And, yes, Harry is one lucky son of a gun … [GIGGITY!]**

 **DragonTamer01: No, I have not seen the special features (thought I have seen the film, and once saw the extended edition thereof). Hilarious anecdote, though.**

 **LittlebigmouthOKC: Yes, Ron "Troll Brain" Weasley is a spoiled little Mama's boy … kind of like Robin Arryn of Game of Thrones … I mean, ten years old and still drinking breast milk? To quote Cleveland Brown, "Oh, that's nasty!" LOL. As you may (or may not) know, Ron is not a character I treat very well in my stories (with a few exceptions).**

 **GoldenKeeper2567: Okay, loving to stroke my ego as I do (among other things – OH!) … I know it's good, but THAT good as to induce an orgasm? No offense, but that's the impression the start of your review is giving me … giggity … in fact, could that be the meaning of what my female reviewers mean when they ask for more? ("Oh, yes, Loki – more … more … more – OH, LOKI, YOU'RE AN ANIMAL! DON'T STOP, I'M RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE – OH, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YEEEEEEEEEES!") And now to kick back, relax, have a cigarette (if you do smoke), and a cuddle … mmmmmmm … cuddle … to say it** **à** **la Duke Nukem, "Who's your author, baby? Damn, I'm good!" LOL.**

 **On an odd side note, it may surprise my readers to know that as of the day I'm writing this (July 11th, 2015), my romantic life has been All Quiet on the Romantic Front, and has been for a few years. Weird, huh?**

 **Also, DZ2 has recently posted a new story, called "Run." It's another enjoyable Harry/Hermione story … check it out! But, then again, I always enjoy his Harry/Hermione stories :)**

 **Chapter 3**

"In case thou art worried about Mjøllner passing to Harald, Thor, I decided to fashion thee another hammer," said Odin, passing the new hammer to his son. "Ye have made me proud – all of ye."

"Allfather," said Harry, "would it be too forward of me to call Thee Grandfather?"

A tear leaked out of the Allfather's eye. "Not at all, Harald."

Harry and Hermione hugged him. "We won't forget Thee."

"I won't forget ye, either one of ye … but ye must go back to Midgard. Ye will be welcome in Asgard anytime. Thor, Loki … go with them."

"Art thou sure, Father?" said Thor.

"I will be fine. For the present moment, the Nine Realms are at peace … and Harald will need all the support he can muster."

Heimdall smiled at them as they re-entered the Bifrost chamber, and he ruffled Harry's hair. "Be strong, Harald Lokison … and don't be a stranger."

"Take good care of thyself, Heimdall."

The four disappeared in a burst of rainbow light …

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"Hey, Harry, Hermione!" said Ron. "Who are these two you've brought with you?"

Every eye in the Gryffindor common room turned to them.

Harry rolled his eyes as he looked to Loki. "So much for entering unnoticed, right, Dad?"

"WHAT?! He's your Dad, Harry? Your Dad was James Potter, not this Slytherin wannabe!"

Whatever diatribe the Troll Brain's mouth would have spouted froze on his lips as he saw the image of James Potter flash over Loki's features for a brief moment before he returned to his normal appearance.

"So, Harry, is this the Troll Brain that has been bothering you?"

"TROLL BRAIN?! WHO ARE YOU CALLING A TROLL BRAIN?! I'M HARRY'S BEST MA – ACK!"

Loki lifted him up by his throat. "How can _you_ , of all people, have any claim on My son's friendship? My brother Thor has fought creatures that were bigger and had more intelligence than you, you insignificant Weasel ..."

Thor chuckled. "Considering they were Frost Giants, that's not saying much." Everyone else heard it and chuckled, though their eyes stayed on the Trickster and His prey.

"Now, this nickname you had for me – a Slytherin wannabe, was it? Was that supposed to be flattery, or an insult? Judging from the angry vibe you were giving off, I suspect the latter. Do you have no thoughts in your head other than your gluttony, your laziness, your lust, or how to make your life shorter than it is? Are you hoping to win yourself a Darwin award by doing us all a favor and eliminating yourself from the human gene pool, or are you even stupider than that? Get this through your thick skull, if you can, Weasel: I am a god, and NONE of us, not I, not My son, not his girlfriend, not Thor, not anybody else, will suffer to see ourselves bullied and picked on by the likes of a piece of Jotunn excrement like you, is that clear?"

"My mother –"

"By the Nine Realms, Weasley, My son was right: you are a broken record! IS THAT CLEAR, OR MUST I TRAMPLE YOUR PUNY SKULL LIKE AN ANT UNDER MY BOOT?!"

"Yes ..."

"I'm sorry, Weasel; could you speak up?"

"YES! PLEASE, PUT ME DOWN!"

Not having any concern for the Troll Brain's dignity, Loki threw him out of the common room.

"Have a nice flight!"

The Troll Brain's screamed cussing echoed behind him, along with the repeated crashes of him falling down the stairs.

"Ya know what, Harry?"

"What's that, Seamus?"

The Irishman grinned. "Madam Pomfrey will need to charge the Troll Brain rent … and install a revolving door into the Hospital Wing."

Everyone laughed …

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

The next morning, Errol, the ancient owl of the Weasleys, arrived with a red envelope. Harry stared at it, knowing who had sent it …

" **HARRY POTTER!"**

That was all the Howler said, for Harry had frozen and shattered it.

"ERROL, GET YOUR ANCIENT, FEATHERED BACKSIDE OVER HERE! I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOUR MISTRESS!"

Errol flew down to the table, trembling under Harry's icy glare. Harry finished up his missive, then tying it to the owl's leg, he said, "One more Howler, and I will put you out of your misery, do you understand?"

Errol nodded and flew out as fast as his old wings could take him.

Harry grabbed a carrot off the breakfast table and munched it. "Of course, you realize this means war."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

Back at the Burrow, Molly Weasley retrieved Harry's message. It said:

"Dear Mrs. Weasley,

I am curious to know what cooked owl tastes like. One more Howler from you, and I will find out.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

P.S.,

Say goodbye to your money … money that you stole from me. Checkmate."

 **Author's Note: Another fun chapter. Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


	4. Chapter 4

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers belong to Marvel Comics.**

 **The 94th River II: It was Game of Thrones' Robin Arryn I was referring to that drank breast milk even up to 10, not Ron! LOL! Although, my original point remains … though their respective Mothers didn't spoil them in the same manner, they are still spoiled, whiny brats who can't stand it when matters don't go their way. Then again, a spoiled whiny brat is a great description of Joffrey "The Bastard King" Lannister. If you like Game of Thrones, check out my Harry Potter/Game of Thrones crossover, "Hereweald Stearc: Forman His Naman."**

 **Sakura Lisel: Would you have preferred I type out the dialogue within Asgard in the language of Old Norse (even with subtitles)? The main ancient languages I know how to write in are Ancient Greek, Latin, Chinese, and a smattering of Anglo-Saxon.**

 **DZ2: Yeah, I put in a Bugs Bunny reference. Let's face it, Harry does share his mischievous nature … [wink, wink]. I want to add in a "Ferret Season/Weasel Season" argument somewhere, but, though it would be hilarious, I don't know if it will be in this fanfic.**

 **DragonTamer01: I don't remember Bugs ever saying, "Your ass is grass." In fact, I don't remember him using such vulgar language … he's a cartoon character for kids, after all … but I do remember a similar quote from Duke Nukem, and it might be him you're thinking of: "Your ass is grass, and I'm the weed whacker!"**

 **Chapter 4**

Out at the Avengers Tower in New York City, Tony Stark was sitting back with Steve Rogers, Dr. Banner, Clint Barton, and Natasha Romanoff when Jarvis spoke up.

"A snowy owl is here to see you, sir. It looks like you have mail."

"Let her in, Jarvis."

"Of course, sir."

With a hoot, Hedwig flew in to land on Tony's shoulder.

"Hey, Hedwig. Did you miss me?"

Hedwig tilted her head as if to say, _"What do you think, Tony?"_

Tony took the letter off of her. "It's good to see you. Fly up to the bar there and Dr. Banner can get you some water."

She butted his head and flew to the bar.

"She's beautiful," said Natasha.

Steve took a deep breath. "I've heard of pigeons being used to carry letters, but owls? Aren't owls supposed to be out at night?"

Dr. Banner nodded. "Yes, owls are nocturnal creatures, Cap, but these owls, like Hedwig here, have to be an anomaly within the _Strigiformes_ order … why the Wizarding World picked owls as their mail birds is beyond me."

Steve looked to Tony for a translation. "He means they are an odd breed of owls … these post owls, for lack of a better term. Perhaps their nocturnal activity makes them, and their postal activities, easier to hide from Muggles."

"That may be it, although I don't doubt they fly in the daytime as well – else, how would they make sure the letter arrives with a better record than the U.S. Postal Service?"

At that, Hedwig fluffed her chest out with pride. _"Yeah, the U.S. Postal Service has nothing on us – it can kiss our feathered backsides! When you have to get your letter or package where it's going in a hurry, call a Hogwarts Post Owl!"_

"Well, Hedwig, if you need to rest up from your flight, you know where the rest area is."

With another affectionate hoot, Hedwig flew off as Steve watched her in amazement.

"Post owls, Tony – that's such a quaint idea!"

Tony raised his eyebrows. "I'm hearing a word like quaint from a young veteran of World War II like yourself, Cap?"

"Touché. Who sent the letter?"

Tony opened the letter and smiled. "It's from Hermione Granger, Hogwarts' Resident Genius."

Dr. Banner leaped to his feet and ran to Tony's side to read the letter. He chuckled. "What do you know? Harry Potter is her boyfriend … good for her. Whoa ..." he read about the threats to Ron and the beating of Percy, "... he's got quite the temper."

"Nothing The Other Guy can't handle, right?"

"Well, Tony, it looks to me like he and The Other Guy have a lot in common."

"Don't make him angry, in other words."

Dr. Banner nodded.

"So she's asking us if we would like to come and meet him?" said Clint.

Tony nodded. "Who knows, Harry could use some help. Jarvis, have you finished etching those runes we received from the American Ministry's M-W division onto the Avengers jet and the Iron Man suit?"

"Yes, sir; all that remains is to test them against the ancient wards of Hogwarts."

"Hold on, Tony; did you know all this time that we will be heading out to Hogwarts?"

"No, I didn't, Cap, but a soldier like you can't deny that preparation helps."

"Good point. Alright, everyone, let's suit up! Oh, Dr. Banner … can The Other Guy try not to make a mess out there?"

Dr. Banner shrugged. "Sorry, Cap, but I can't make any promises on that."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"Harry, I have to admit – I'm scared for you. This Triwizard Tournament tests people in the cruelest ways possible. Even if we consider that you now know who you are, who knows if it will be enough?"

"Hermione, with you, I'm sure I can get through anything this crazy world throws at me."

"Did you figure out the egg clue yet?"

"No such luck ..."

"OY, HARRY! HERMIONE! Enjoying some fresh air, are we?"

"Hey, Cedric," they said.

"I realized I never thanked you for tipping me off about the dragons."

"I'm sure you would have done the same if you knew and I didn't."

Cedric grinned. "Yeah, I would have done the same. About the egg – have you tried the Prefect's Bathroom?"

"Cedric, I'm not a Prefect."

"Well, the password is Pine Fresh, and between the three of us … it's an awesome place for a bath. Take your egg with you, and don't do anything Cho and I wouldn't do … giggity ..." He winked at them as he walked away.

"Lucky bastard ..."

Hermione raised her eyebrows. "What would you mean, Harry?"

"I mean, I'm a lucky bastard."

She laughed. "Oh, Harry, you are no bastard … but you may get lucky tonight ..."

" _Giggity, giggity, giggity, OH! Alright ..."_

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"Whoa … that is a huge bathtub."

"So, Harry … did you remember swimming trunks?"

"When was the last time you saw me swimming in the Lake, Hermione?"

"Ah … good point. So you don't have swimming trunks?" Harry shook his head. "Bummer … well, it's not right that I should have on a bikini while you have nothing on but the radio, right?"

"Hermione, you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable."

"I know that, and thank you, Harry … you are ever the gentleman … but relax. I'm comfortable enough to be in my birthday suit … and why shouldn't I around my boyfriend?"

"You mean …?"

"Yes, Harry. Go ahead and hop in the tub." As she watched Harry strip, she whistled. "Quidditch has done wonders for your tuchas, Harry!"

The sensation of her body rubbing against his as they kissed was heavenly. _"DOWN, BOY, DOWN!"_

His Southern region cackled like an insane clown. _"I'm not going anywhere!"_

"I take it somebody is happy to see me," she said with a knowing wink.

"You have no idea what it feels like to have him pop up at the most inopportune time, Hermione."

"Are you saying this is an inopportune time?"

"We have the egg to figure out, remember?"

She blushed. "Oh, right! Sorry – I became distracted for a moment."

"Hold the presses! You became distracted?"

She crossed her arms over her boobs – _those magnificent boobs belong to a goddess,_ he thought; _the gods could not have fashioned a more perfect pair: not too big, not too small, just the right size_ – and said, "Well, I must admit, your naked body does provide a wonderful distraction for me, as mine distracts you, I'm sure."

"Maybe this was a bad idea ..."

"Oh, just get the egg in here!"

Harry brought it over and opened it. The same screeching sounded out as before.

"Why don't you try putting it under the water, Harry?" said a new voice.

"Hey, Myrtle! Long time no see!"

"Oh, you're here too, Hermione? Up to some naughtiness, aren't we?"

Hermione narrowed her eyes. "What business is that of yours?"

"I guess it's not my business, Hermione … but a girl can get lonely … even a dead one like myself ..."

Harry ducked underwater and listened to the clue. It took him several tries to memorize the song.

"Come seek us where our voices sound … Myrtle, it sounds like the next task is underwater!"

Myrtle clapped her hands. "Good for you, Harry! It took Cedric a long time to figure out the clue … he was there until the bubbles … were … all … gone ..."

" _By the Nine Realms, is she rubbing against me?"_

" _Gods, that's cold! ABORT! ABORT!"_

" _RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!"_

"Harry, wait!" said Hermione as she saw him bolt out. "You forgot your –"

SLAM!

"– clothes." She glared at Myrtle. "I hope you are happy with yourself."

"Is a little loving too much to ask, Hermione?"

Hermione did not answer, but as she picked up Harry's clothes, she thought, _"Harry and I could have had a lot more fun after we figured out the egg clue, were it not for that blasted horny ghost ..."_

 **Author's Note: Another fun chapter done. Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**

 **P.S.,**

 **I have posted up that poll. My suggestion is that you read over each one of the options before making your decision which to vote for. Thank you.**


	5. Chapter 5

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers and all related characters belong to Marvel Comics.**

 **WhiteElfElder: Yeah, now that I think about it, how does Hermione know the Avengers? Read on …**

 **The 94th River II: So many books and fanfics, not enough time to read them all. In a way, I understand where you are coming from … and I love reading!**

 **DBZ Stargate Ninjawars: Goodness, to some people (like yourself), I probably seem to write so much crackfic as to seem cracked! (LOL) Got a problem with the way I write? Move along, use the Back button, yadda, yadda, yadda …**

 **DragonTamer01: Ah, yes, thanks for the extra explanation. You still have to admire Bugs Bunny's mischievous nature …**

 **Okay, in other news (at least at my last check), I have a three-way tie of five votes each on that poll I mentioned in the previous chapter. What to do, what to do … perhaps I should consider a run-off poll between these three stories (Harry Potter and the Prince of Olympus, DAHP II: Il Potterino, and Angel of Death)?**

 **Chapter 5**

Harry sped through the Grand Staircase like a devil fleeing from a priest with holy water. Not looking where he was going, he knocked into Luna Lovegood with such speed that she spun around several times.

"Sorry about that!" he said back to her.

Once she stopped spinning, she said, "It's alright …"

However, he was not there to hear her reply. A couple seconds later, Hermione came running along.

"Luna! Are you okay?"

"Oh, I'm a bit dizzy, but I'll be fine, I expect."

"Have you seen Harry pass by here?"

"Do you mean that fine male specimen of your boyfriend? Yes, I saw him … he went that way," she said, pointing in the direction he went. "Don't tell me he ran away from you in the middle of making sweet love … he has nothing to be ashamed of."

Hermione blushed. "No, Luna, it's nothing like that. We can thank a horny female ghost for this."

"Oh." Luna giggled. "I do imagine that would be uncomfortable. If I may be so bold, Hermione, you are lucky to have someone like him. See ya!"

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

As Harry came into the shower, he heard Thor say, "So … how was your date with Hermione tonight, Harry?"

"You seem scared, champ," said Loki. "You want to tell us about it?"

"You seemed a bit pale coming in here. Don't tell us you ran out on her, because if you did –"

Harry shook his head. "No, no, it wasn't Hermione's fault. She and I figured out the egg clue, with a little help from Moaning Myrtle –"

"Moaning Myrtle?" said Loki.

"Yeah, Dad, she's the ghost of a girl Voldemort killed at Hogwarts when he was here."

Loki nodded. "Carry on. What frightened you away?"

"She – meaning Myrtle – rubbed up against me. It felt cold, I panicked, and so here I am, telling you all about –"

Both Thor and Loki burst out in riotous laughter.

"So, let me fill in the blanks," said Loki through his laughter. "You forgot your robes – you streaked through the Grand Staircase – oh, Thor, it's too much!"

"Hmm … that explains the drafty cold I was feeling in the castle."

"You sent Luna for a spin as well," said a smiling Hermione.

"HERMIONE!"

This set the two gods into more laughter. Much to Harry's additional embarrassment, he could hear Dean, Seamus, and Neville laughing.

"You told them, didn't you?"

"How could I not, Harry? They saw you speed in like a cat running from water, and you expect that I don't explain it to them?"

Harry rolled his eyes. "I guess neither my Family, nor the Gryffindor boys will let me forget this, right?"

"Never!" said Thor and Loki as they tried, without success, to calm down their laughter.

Harry buried his head in his hands. "Oy …"

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"Sir? My sensors indicate that we are approaching the ward boundary of Hogwarts."

"Thank you, Jarvis. Natasha, can you find us a safe place to land?"

Natasha nodded. "Yeah, I believe I can do that. Would you boys like to jump off here? I know how impatient you are to meet this young man."

Clint grinned. "Oh, I'm afraid she has your number, Tony!"

Tony rolled his eyes. "Tell me this; why shouldn't I be interested in the young man who has gained Hermione's interest?"

"Well, sir, the Potters are one of the richest families in the Wizarding World."

"Does she seem that shallow, Jarvis?"

"Of course not, sir; but they have had a relationship during all these four years."

"Well, you know, all this research that we have pulled up on him is incredible! Surviving a Killing Curse at one year old, knocking out a troll in his first year, killing a Basilisk in his second year, and scaring off a host of Dementors in his third year with a corporeal Patronus …"

"He's a remarkable young man, I agree," said Steve. "Let's not forget that dragon – do you think you could survive facing a dragon, Tony?"

"Not a chance, Cap. The dragon's fire would melt Iron Man's armor, and then I would become a dragon's meal."

"Mr. Stark is correct, Captain Rogers," said Jarvis. "Even for a person like him, facing off against a dragon would be suicidal. Even Vegas would bet high odds against him coming out uninjured."

A loud female voice carried from Hogwarts: "HARRY POTTER!" Dr. Banner's eyes started to glow.

"Uh-oh," said Steve. "Dr. Banner, you had better get off first."

A trembling Dr. Banner nodded as he leaped off the jet and transformed into the Hulk.

"Cap, we had better follow him." The Iron Man suit came on and they jumped off. "Jarvis, can I have a status report?"

"All systems are running as they should be, sir."

"Tony, the Hulk seems to have made a quick getaway. How will we find him?"

"Well, Cap, it should be easy enough to find the Hulk: follow the trail of destruction ..."

Steve looked at the broken trees. "I see your point."

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"HARRY POTTER!"

Harry looked up from his breakfast. "Well, if it isn't the Living Howler who has come to see me. How have you been, Mrs. Weasley?"

SMACK! She smacked his face, and he glared at her …

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

Thor and Loki had come to the entrance of the Great Hall.

"Well, well, well … if it isn't the Troll Brain and his Prat of a brother," said Loki.

"I will have you know I am a Prefect!" said Percy.

The Trickster smirked. "Does it look like I care for you and your petty arrogance?"

"Your face looks like a Jotunn ripped it to shreds, Percy," said Thor. "At least Harry won't need a Jack-O-Lantern anymore … he can just stick your face in the window ..."

One moment, the two gods were laughing at the red-faced Weasley brothers … the next moment, all four found themselves lying down in a small crater, thanks to being in the path of a Hulk on the rampage …

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

"HULK SMASH ANNOYING WOMAN!"

The reason why Harry didn't do anything was because he didn't need to do anything, for one punch from the Hulk knocked out Mrs. Weasley.

Loki winced as he crawled out of the crater. "Who invited this overgrown green gorilla, anyway? Yeah, I'm talking to you, big guy! I am a god, you dull creature, and I will not be bullied by –"

The Hulk picked him up and thrashed him around: BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! He looked at his form and thrashed him some more, then dropped him to the ground. "Puny god."

"Oh, you think Loki is puny?" said Thor. "Perhaps you should try me on for size … and I've fought bigger than you ..."

WHAM! His hammer flew to hit the Hulk. The impact sent him flying to break the Professor's table. He got up and roared.

"Need any help, Uncle?"

"Yes, Harry, I would appreciate it! He's coming right for us!"

"Batter up!" Harry summoned lightning to his hammer and hit the Hulk, sending him to fly out the back window.

"ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS!" said Professor McGonagall.

The Hulk paid no attention as he charged again. Hermione pointed her wand and said, "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

Much to everyone's shock, the Hulk crashed down, stiff as a statue. Hermione took some deep breaths to gain some more energy as she walked up to him.

"Will you calm down, Uncle Bruce?"

Dr. Banner returned to himself as she released her spell. "It's good to see you again, Hermione."

"Who would have thought that Hermione, of all the people we knew, would be able to subdue the Hulk?" said Tony through his helmet.

Hermione ran to him and hugged him. "Uncle Tony!"

"Hermione," said Harry, "how in the Nine Realms do you know the Avengers?"

"I did some study with Tony Stark and Dr. Banner during elementary school, Harry," she said with a smile. "During that time, I guess you could say they became like honorary uncles to me."

"I must say, it's my great pleasure to meet the two of you," said Steve, shaking Hermione's and Harry's hands.

"Likewise, Captain America."

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat. "Lord Thor, Mr. Potter … and ..."

"Dr. Banner ..."

"Aye, Dr. Banner … I believe the three of you have a detention with me tonight for your shenanigans. I will be sparing Lord Loki this detention on account of his run-in with that … Hulk … character ..."

"Thank you … Professor McGonagall ..." said Loki from his position on the ground.

"Aye, don't mention it."

"Professor McGonagall," said Harry, "what will we be doing for detention?"

When they came up for detention, there were three big blackboards and plenty of chalk. Each one took a board, and wrote 100 times, "I WILL NOT DESTROY HOGWARTS PROPERTY."

 **Author's Note: Another hilarious chapter done. Read and review! I believe I should have the poll run-off pretty soon, I expect, so stay tuned to my profile, and, like I've said before – look over each option before you cast your vote!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


	6. Chapter 6

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers and all related characters belong to Marvel Comics.**

 **Where we last left our heroes, they were writing these words 100 times on three chalkboards:**

" **I WILL NOT DESTROY HOGWARTS PROPERTY."**

 **Chapter 6**

"Laird Loki!" said Madam Pomfrey. "Thoo haes some visitors."

"Kennir þú betir, bróðir?" (Thou feelst better, brother?)

"O, já, Þórr, Hulkinn gerði mér mikla skaða … ek kenna enn haill, ek þakka Freyju Pomfrey. Ásgarðr segir þú ert rǫskur, ok ek em slǫgr." (Oh, yeah, Thor, the Hulk did me great harm … but I feel better, I thank Lady Pomfrey. Asgard says you are brash, and I am cunning.)

"I wouldn't say it's cunning to draw the anger of the Psycho Green Giant like that, Dad," said Harry.

"Or as you referred to him, the Overgrown Green Gorilla," said Hermione.

Dr. Banner snorted in amusement.

"No, I guess it is not," said Loki with a wry grin. "Who won that fight, by the way? I believe I was swimming in and out of consciousness after the Hulk thrashed me around the Great Hall."

"Hermione did," said Harry, "when she Petrified the Hulk. Then Professor McGonagall threw Thor, Dr. Banner, and me into detention."

"How was detention?"

Thor and Dr. Banner shivered. "Unnerving," Thor said. "Imagine a tabby cat glaring at you as you write your lines. I imagine you were used to it, the many times you and Sirius got detention from her."

"Speaking of detentions, this was not the first time I got detention," said Harry.

Loki grinned. "Oh? When was that, pray tell?"

"It was during my first year – for being out after curfew."

Loki laughed and ruffled his hair. "That's my boy. In our Hogwarts days, the Headmaster may have made Remus a Prefect, but even Moony was useless for keeping us out of trouble. Perhaps we should celebrate popping Thor's cherry, eh?" Seeing Thor give him a confused look, he went on to explain: "I meant your Detention Cherry."

"I know what popping a cherry means, brother, but there is no need for such a vulgar metaphor like that."

("Popping a cherry?" said Harry under his breath to Hermione. "It refers to losing your virginity," she said back to him, provoking a blush from him.)

Thor shot them a look. "Ek heyrða ykkr!" (I heard ye!)

Loki grinned at Thor. "Heyrða ek þau orð frá þér, frá Drottninum Mjaðar Drykkju?" (Did I hear those words from thee, from the Lord of Mead Drinking?)

Thor's face lit up. "Ek elska mjǫdr drekka!" (I love to drink mead!)

"Þú elskar ok kaffe drekka. Mant þú tíðina þú drankr krúsina fyrstraru þína kaffes?" (Thou also lovest to drink coffee. Rememberest thou the time thou drankest thy first cup of coffee?)

"Ek brotnaði krúsina og ek vilda aðra," (I broke the cup and I wanted another.)

Harry gave a mock shiver. "If Uncle Thor was that bad on coffee," he said under his breath to Hermione, "I dread to think what he would be like on Red Bull."

Hermione chortled at the image.

"What are you laughing at, Hermione?" said Thor.

"What is this mortal drink – this Red Bull – you speak of?" said Loki. At Hermione's dumbfounded look, he said, "I haven't been to Midgard for about 14 years, Hermione – cut me a little slack!"

"Menn mæla Rauðr Oxi gefr þér vængir," (People say Red Bull gives thee wings,) said Harry.

Thor grinned at that.

"Ek kann ok ykkr undirstanda nær er þit mælið í málinu ykkru." (I can also understand ye when ye speak in your language.)

"Hví segir þú þat, Haraldr? Þú ert sonrinn minn – sonr Ásgarðs. Málit er í blóðinu þínu." (Why dost thou say that, Harald? Thou art my son – a son of Asgard. The language is in thy blood,) said Loki.

Harry glanced to Hermione, and she glanced back at him with an amused smirk and a raised eyebrow. He lowered his gaze and blushed.

"Sér þú þetta, Þórr?" (Do you see this, Thor?) said Loki.

"Hvat mælask þau?" (What are they saying to each other?) said Thor.

"Ek vei engi … þau mæla án orðum … undrinn …" (I do not know … they speak without words … the wonder …)

Hermione turned her eyes on him as the unspoken tension made him feel awkward, so he turned to Madam Pomfrey.

"Madam Pomfrey, am I free to go?"

"Aye, Laird Loki, thoo is all fixed up. Just try nae tae anger onymore Psycho Green Gorillas, micht we? I maun declare, thoo is as incorrigible as Mr. Potter hissel …"

Loki rolled his eyes at that.

"How is Mrs. Weasley?" said Harry.

"She still is oot cold, if she isna dead; a couldna claim tae ken when she will awake. That Hulk did a number on her, he sure did. Same coud be said fer the Troll Brain and Sir Brown Nose thairselves; 'twas thair bad luck thay war in his way."

"As long as I don't have to hear that screeching voice again, Harry, I think we shall be okay," said Dr. Banner. "It's worse than nails on a chalkboard."

"No hard feelings, Dr. Banner?"

"You were just in the Big Guy's way, Loki. I have no personal beef with you."

"No kidding … it felt like a freight train ran me over. Are we sure that was on my Midgard Bucket List, Thor?"

"What? For an Overgrown Green Gorilla to run you over and throw you around?" Thor grinned. "Sure it was …"

"Dear me, Thor! I did not know you were conversant in sarcasm."

"Spending so much time around you, why wouldn't I be?"

"Ach, noo," said Madam Pomfrey, "ye've ither places tae be, so shoo!"

"Love you too, Madam Pomfrey!" said Loki and Harry.

"A ken, ye wee ones; shoo!"

As they exited the Hospital Wing, Loki said to Harry, "Was Hermione's raised eyebrow what I think it was?"

"She does not like being confused, Dad; why should she understand us in Asgard but not here?"

"Perhaps it was by the Allfather's blessing that she understood us in Asgard," said Thor.

"Wait – she feels we left her out of the conversation by talking in another language?" said Loki.

"Thanks to Harry interpreting for me," said Hermione, "I understood what you were talking about, so he's not in the doghouse. It must be nice to have your own language, right?"

"Hermione, if you would like to study the Old Norse language, we can buy you some books on the subject," said Harry.

"Vér kunnum?" (We can?) said Loki and Thor.

"How else is she going to learn – are we going to dunk her in the deep end of the linguistic pool?"

"While that does sound like a lot of fun to watch her flounder in a pool, metaphorical or literal …" said Loki as Hermione gave him a glare of outrage, "I believe I will pass on that, lest she sets the Hulk on me again."

Harry waved it off. "Please, Dad – she does not need the Hulk to fight her battles … shall I remind you how she broke Malfoy's nose with a single punch?"

"Malfoy … is this the same prick whose Mother needs her ballet tutu back? Do the words _arrogant demeanor, long blond hair and grey eyes_ ring a bell?"

"That was a perfect description of Malfoy, Dad. Anyway, it was Draco's – his son's – nose Hermione broke."

"Átti Malfojinn ellrinn son? Æsirnir hugðu hann var dóttirinn Lucias." (The elder Malfoy had a son? The Æsir thought he was Lucy's daughter.) After Harry translated Loki's statement for Hermione's sake, they snorted at the description.

"He does make an adorable ferret," said a grinning Hermione.

"Hogwarts Entertainment presents Draco Malfoy, the Amazing, Bouncing, Ferret!" said Loki. "What a shame that was not Harry's handiwork."

"Lady Sif's squeal made my head ring for days on end," said Thor. "She thought he was indeed adorable as a ferret."

"He sure did, dearie," said the Fat Lady. "My fellow portraits could not stop laughing for weeks on end."

Dr. Banner's eyes widened in some shock. "Whoa – a talking portrait! Experiencing this place is quite different than reading about it, that's for sure."

"Password?"

"Fairy lights," said Harry and Hermione.

The Fat Lady's portrait opened, and they walked into the Gryffindor common room to see Tony Stark, Captain Steve Rogers, and a couple others they had not met before.

Tony stuck his hand out for Harry to shake. "Harry, sorry we haven't had time to introduce ourselves, thanks to the banshee who set off Dr. Banner's Hulk of a temper. He needs serious anger management therapy. Tony Stark, head of Stark Enterprises, as well as a billionaire, philanthropist, and a scientific genius alongside Dr. Banner. Captain America you know already, I'm sure –"

Steve rolled his eyes. "Well, I did fight for America against the Axis powers in World War II, so I am sure the British know me as well as the Americans. Captain Steve Rogers, here to serve truth, justice, and the American way."

("Superman!" sneezed Tony.)

"Did you say something, Tony?"

Tony cleared his throat. "Yes, thanks for the intro, Cap. Remind me to order some Kryptonite in case the Man of Steel shows his face."

"Some – Tony, Krypton doesn't exist!"

"As far as we are aware, it doesn't, but I digress. We also have Agent Clint Barton, alias Hawkeye, and Agent Natasha Romanoff, alias Black Widow."

Thor bowed. "A pleasure to meet you. I am Thor Odinson of Asgard, and my mischievous brother, the one whom the Hulk slammed around the Great Hall of Hogwarts, is Loki. As for Harry, he is Loki's son."

"Wait," said Tony. "I thought James Potter was Harry's dad? Are we mistaken on this count, Jarvis?"

Jarvis flew into the Gryffindor common room as a hovering spherical robot. "It may be, Mr. Stark, that James Potter was Loki's cover name when he was here last. In many mythologies, the gods have been known to disguise Themselves as humans so They may not frighten them – for instance, if Lord Thor can confirm, His Father Odin would disguise himself as an old man with a long white beard and a staff."

"He would indeed, Jarvis," said Thor.

"Agent Romanoff, with all due respect …"

"Oh, please, Harry. You can call me Natasha. What were you going to say?"

Harry squirmed. "Oh, this is so many levels of awkward … no offense, but you seem to look like my mother."

"Harit rauðu, em ek rettr?" (The red hair, am I right?) said Loki. Harry nodded.

Natasha smiled. "No offense taken, Harry … but out of curiosity, do you know what she looked like?"

"I remember I saw an image of her and my Dad during my first year of Hogwarts …"

"Perhaps I can be of assistance," said Loki.

Thor glared at him. "Loki … don't you dare …"

A bright flash of magic later, the forms of James and Lily Potter stood in the Gryffindor common room in the respective places of Loki and Thor.

"Ah … it feels so good to be back … oh, I'm sorry, dearest Lily … you were saying?"

Steve fainted from the shock of seeing Thor change gender. Hermione was the first to crack into giggles, then said giggles grew into riotous laughter as she hid her face in Harry's shoulder from Lily's glare. For his part, Harry gave his parents a sheepish grin.

James Potter smiled at his wife. "Seeing you brings back so many memories …"

Lily smiled back as she rolled her eyes. "… Of wanting my eyes gouged out!"

As everyone else joined Hermione in laughter, Natasha looked to Harry. "I think I see your point."

 **Author's Note: Ah, the length of time it can take for me to write one chapter … I'm still around, I'm okay. By the way, I did have a nice 33rd birthday back on February 1st, 2017.**

 **As to the foreign characters you see in the Old Norse, I hope they show up, by which I mean the ash (an a and an e locked together), the thorn (looks like p, but the loop is lower), the eth (looks like a d with a line through it), and the o caudata (looks like o with a hook beneath). I did have these characters (except the o caudata, and the long vowels were written as vowels with macrons) written in the first chapter of my Harry Potter/Game of Thrones crossover "Fire and Blood," and a reviewer complained it looked like gibberish. Either the reviewer in question did not realize the language they were (Old English; it's the ancestral form of English, for crying out loud!), or for some reason, his computer did not recognize them for what they were and printed out gibberish in their place. I don't see why; they all showed up okay when I submitted it to the Site. If they didn't show up okay on his computer, that would be his computer's fault, not mine. Could y'all let me know if they show up okay like they're supposed to? If they didn't, that would throw a big monkey wrench into this linguistic realism here, wouldn't it?**

 **As always, read and review! I'm sure you will enjoy the references I've dropped here …**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


	7. Chapter 7

" **Dry Her Eyes"**

By Loki Palmer

 **Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. The Avengers belong to Stan Lee and Marvel Comics.**

 **Chapter 7**

Odin's ravens, Huginn and Muninn, flew to his shoulders in Asgard's throne room. "Vit hǫfum fundinn Sirius Blak," (We have found Sirius Black,) they said.

"Hvar funduð þit hann?" (Where did ye two find him?)

"Vit fundum hann í landinu Nyrs Mexikos, með verrúlfinum Remus Lupin ok tveim konur." (We found him in the land of New Mexico, with the werewolf Remus Lupin and two women.)

Odin whistled, and his eight legged horse, Sleipnir, came to him. The pair rode to the Bifrost chamber, where Heimdall saluted him.

"Gengr þú til Miðgarðs, Alfáðir?" (Art thou going to Midgard, Allfather?)

"Ek geng finna Sirius Blak ok Remus Lupin." (I am going to find Sirius Black and Remus Lupin.)

Heimdall nodded in understanding as he opened the Bifrost …

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

In New Mexico, the stars were shining on this clear night when the rainbow from the Bifrost shone onto the ground.

"Jane?" said Sirius Black. "Jane, something's happening here!"

The redheaded astrophysicist Dr. Jane Foster bolted into the room to inspect her instruments. "What do you think it could be?"

"I don't know, but whatever it was, your instruments were acting haywire for a few moments. You are the science expert between us, love."

"Did either of you two see anything?"

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, while Remus said, "I saw this rainbow … shine through the sky …"

"Now that you mention it, Moony, that rainbow did look familiar …"

Jane shook her head at her boyfriend as she read through the printout of the findings. "Though I see photos of a rainbow from our camera, Sirius, these energy readings look nothing like a rainbow."

"It looks like a rainbow, but it's not a rainbow? Geez, that's helpful," said her brunette assistant, Darcy. "Whatever happened to the saying: if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's …"

"… Jane with a head cold?" said Sirius.

Jane rolled her eyes. "In science, Darcy, we have to consider any number of factors when we identify something unknown. Hmm …" She angled for a top view on the computer. "… from the top, it looks like a brief tornado, but I don't see any damage in the vicinity …"

"Reckon it's a mighty fine night out, ain't it?" said a voice.

They spun around and saw an old man with his horse.

"Hey, Gandalf," said Darcy, "if you are looking for the Lord of the Rings convention, you're in the wrong state for that."

The old man nodded. "It might seem like I took a wrong turn at Albuquerque, little missy, but seems to me I was intended to be here at this moment." He heard Jane's snort of derision and glanced at her. "Something amuse you about that?"

"With all due respect, old timer, Fate doesn't exist."

The old man raised his eyebrows. "Oh, is that so? Whether Fate exists – call it Οι Μοιραι, Destiny, Nornir, Wyrd, the Predestination of God, or whatever y'all want to call it – has been a fierce debate ever since the old days of yore … your ancestors, that is." He grinned at the guffaws of laughter from Sirius and Remus. "Y'all young 'uns claim to know more than yer pappies and yer grandpappies, but compared to us _old timers_ , y'all know as much as a pack of toddlers, and we old timers think y'all are just as amusing."

Jane shook her head. "I never said you were ignorant, sir."

"Naw, I reckon you didn't, but many of yer generation think it. You may be a skeptic about what exists beyond yer world, but that ain't the point. The young should respect the old and learn from them, but I reckon respect of the elderly has gone the way of the dinosaur. Take a case in point: one of my sons, in the heat of anger, called me an old man and a fool when I tried to correct him from a tempestuous course he was taking. I threw him out on his backside. He landed in Scotland as a purdy little redheaded missy by the name of Lily Evans."

Sirius's eyes bugged out in his head. "Lily Evans? Are you serious?"

The old man's eye – the one they could see, for the other had an eyepatch – twinkled. "I thought that was yer name, not mine."

Remus could not help laughing as he said, "Oh, Sirius, he hoisted you on your own petard!"

"Touché!" said Sirius.

"Aye. I reckon you have heard the name before?"

"Of course we have!" said Sirius and Remus.

"She was the girlfriend – later wife – of our best friend, James Potter," said Sirius.

"James Potter," said the old man as he sat down on a log. Everyone else found a place to sit. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but he was mischievous and dark of hair?"

Sirius and Remus nodded.

The old man brought out a small bag of tobacco, packed his pipe, and lit it with a small flame in his hand.

"Sir!" said Remus. "You shouldn't –!"

"Shouldn't what, wolfie? Shouldn't smoke?"

"I wasn't going to say that, sir; I was going to say you shouldn't be so open about using magic."

"What is so magical about a match, wolfie?" He produced said match, and it was black. He puffed on his pipe some more. "As I was saying, yer friend James Potter reminds me of another son who visited in yer school of … Hogwarts, is it?"

The duo nodded, too stunned to speak.

"Hogwarts? What is that?" said Darcy.

"It's a school in Scotland Remus and I attended."

Jane and Darcy nodded, and so did the old man. "Aye … now, as to this son, I adopted him … oh, it was so many years ago by yer reckoning of years …"

Remus said, "Well, sir, with all due respect, you can't be older than Headmaster Dumbledore."

"Oh, is that so? How old is this … Dumbledore?"

"He is about 150 years old."

Jane and Darcy looked at Remus in shock. "Remy, you must be joking!" said Darcy.

"As much as I enjoy jokes, does it look like I'm joking, Darcy?"

"Remy's right, Darcy," said Sirius. "Dumbledore is that old."

"If so, he would be old enough to remember the American Civil War!"

"He spent most of his life in Great Britain, Darcy," said Sirius. "Over there, we Brits had Queen Victoria at the time."

"All the same," said Jane, "it is preposterous, no matter how _serious_ the claim is. Most humans would be lucky to live to a century, but 150 years old?"

Sirius grinned at her. "Magic helps."

Jane goggled at him. "Excuse me, Sirius? Did you just say magic?"

"Yes."

"How can you believe in magic?"

"I have lived around magic my entire life, that's how. Do you remember the black dog you have seen around here?" She nodded. "As delusional as it may sound to your ears, that dog is me."

"You're right, Sirius … it is delusional. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't have you and your friend committed to a mental asylum."

"You asked for proof? Okay … this can be a shock …"

He transformed into his Animagus form – a large black dog – and kissed her. The human brain can take so much shock at one time, and the brain of Dr. Jane Foster was no different, though she had a doctorate in astrophysics. Under such shock like this, she responded no different than other people …

She fainted.

 **~DRY HER EYES~**

As she came back to consciousness, she could hear Sirius say to Remus, " _Go live with Muggles,_ you said. _They won't give you any trouble,_ you said. Now look what I've done! MACUSA would have my nuts for this, I shouldn't wonder. I fell in love with this Muggle female, and now I could have broken her mind!"

Remus said, "Sirius? She is awake."

"She is? Oh, sod it all … Jane, are you okay? How much did you hear?"

"I'm okay, I think. I heard everything from, _Go live with Muggles_ , you said."

"What is a Muggle, Sirius?" said Darcy.

"A Muggle is a person who is unable to manipulate the force known as Magic. As puzzling as it may seem to Jane, there is such a force in our universe. It can be difficult for Muggles to wrap their minds around the existence of Magic, much less to accept it –"

"– Which is why magical governments – like the British Ministry of Magic and MACUSA, the Magical Congress of the United States of America – go to such great lengths to keep its existence hidden from Muggles," said Remus. "There have been witch burnings in the past, such as those in the Puritan colony of Salem, Massachusetts."

"Were they real witches?" said Jane. "The people the Puritans burned in these trials?"

Sirius shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine, Jane. Some could have been, or maybe none; nobody can say one way or the other on that question."

"Is it possible to clamp down on the magic?" said Darcy. "You know, to conceal your identity as a magical person?"

"Possible? Yes, but the outcome is terrifying," said Remus. "A young magical person will have bouts of what is called Accidental Magic throughout his childhood … natural releases of Magic due to a fluctuating Magical Core, common if the child is angry or scared. It stabilizes around age 11, when he goes to school to train the core. If such a child does not learn to train the core, but rather clamps down on it to appear _normal_ to other people around him, the result creates a parasitic disaster known as an Obscurial: a creature of untamed Magic that is a danger to himself and everyone else around him. Sad to say, the untamed Magic will kill the child at some point, so an Obscurial living through his adolescence is rare, though dangerous."

"We can be grateful for that," said Jane. "Imagine a creature like that with all the emotional stresses of puberty. So, as odd as it may seem for me to say it, Magic is real?"

"Yes, Jane. I know it seems a shock –"

"– No kidding, but I can't explain my sight of your dog form and this canine slobber on my cheek any other way. No rain has come here in a fair while, and I know I'm not going mad, so I have to accept the truth for what it is."

"Well, let's get back to the subject, old timer," said Sirius. "So, Lily was a male in a female body?"

"The form I gave my son was female, so aye. He took his original form again when the infamous Lord Voldemort killed Lily Potter. He then struck Lord Voldemort with his hammer, Mjǫllnir. That was how Harald, or Harry – Sirius's godson – received that scar."

Jane looked at Sirius. "You never told me you were a godfather."

"Why aren't you with him now? Have you made somebody an offer they couldn't refuse?" said Darcy.

"I'm on the run from the British Ministry … for a crime I did not commit."

"What crime was that?" said Jane.

"They accused me of betraying the Potters to Voldemort, as well as killing Peter Pettigrew and 13 Muggles."

The old man laid a hand on Sirius's arm. "I know you would have died rather than betray My grandson, Sirius. In fact, I am here to help you."

Sirius shuddered at the feeling of power that radiated from the old man. "How, sir?"

The old man looked up at the quartet. "Dr. Foster? Miss Lewis? If you would like to come with Remus, Sirius, and Myself, now would be a good time to decide."

"There is something more to you, stranger, than meets the eye at first glance," said Jane.

"And there is more in the Nine Realms and your planet than your philosophy can even dream," said the old man.

"Yeah, Jane, this could be fun!" said Darcy as she leaped into Remus's arms.

"Sure … why not? You don't mind me tagging along, do you, Sirius?"

"Not at all," he said with a grin.

The old man grinned back at the two loving couples. "I thought as much. Remus, Darcy … you two can take my horse Sleipnir … Dr. Foster, hang onto Sirius, and Sirius … don't let go of Me."

"Understood, sir … but if I may ask … why?"

"You will see …"

A split second later, a rainbow light surrounded them and swept them into the air. They arrived in the Bifrost chamber after a journey of a few minutes that made their hearts race.

"WHOO! THAT WAS FUN!" said Sirius as the old man released him.

"AWESOME!" said Remus as he gave his pal a high five.

Jane's mouth had fallen open in wonder at the sight of so many stars. "This beats any observatory on Earth."

Darcy nodded. "What she said."

"Ek em glaðr ferðin gladdi yðr," (I am glad the journey pleased ye) said Heimdall. "Velkomin Asgarði. Ek em Heimdallr, Vǫrdðrinn Bifrøstinnar, ok maðrinn er førði yðr, hann er Oðinn Alfáðir, Konungr Asgarðs " (Welcome to Asgard. I am Heimdall, the Guardian of the Bifrost, and the man who brought ye, he is Odin Allfather, King of Asgard.)

"I knew that rainbow looked familiar … I saw it just as I arrived at the destroyed house in Godric's Hollow on the night Voldemort came …" said Sirius. The full impact of what Heimdall said took a few more seconds to travel through his brain for processing, but when his brain finished the processing, he looked up to see Odin in His royal attire.

"Ver eigi hræddr," (Be not afraid), said Odin. "Þú hefir orðit mitt á ǫllum Níu Heimum: hér ósakaðr þú skalt vera." (Thou hast My word on all the Nine Realms: here thou shalt be unharmed.)

Though this solemn word from Odin relieved him of any stress, Sirius could not help fainting in the Bifrost chamber …

 **Author's Note: Wow, yet another chapter done. Read and review!**

 **Smiles and laughter,**

 **Loki Palmer**


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